Although it is good to have your expectation of what you desire in ‘your’ man, you have to balance this with the complementary thought of “what can I do for him.” It can’t just be about “…what can he do for me!” The reason I suggest this is for reflection; it will help motivate you to be other centered in your courting. (I use the word courting because you seek a relationship that moves toward marriage. Dating connotes a more casual encounter and may not be viewed as a long-term relationship.)
In relationships, most men know that most women who they court want to settle down. No doubt this is a legitimate expectation and need, but it is one of many need/expectations from her. As a man, why would I want to settle down with a woman who is preoccupied – plainly – about her needs and expectations? In other words, they are preoccupied solely with themselves. I am sorry to say but this is actually selfishness. Many women, in a relationship, would not see themselves as selfish. However I am not suggesting these women are selfish at their core, but selfish in how they deal with their relationships. They become self-absorbed about how they feel in the relationship. For example, when a man is bothered with something, what is the first thing she asks? “What is bothering you Honey?” He may reply “Nothing…” but we know he is being dishonest. However most men don’t know and/or have the courage to tell her his feelings at that moment. Many women who may not recognize his fear, get offended and angry at his closure. Consequently, she now gets upset with him.
What’s wrong with this picture? The main reason she wanted to know is because knowing what was wrong made her feel connected to him. Her main motivation was not to help him through the issue but to feel connected to him. She wanted to sympathize and empathize. These are good desires, but they are her desires not her man’s. So it comes back to her saying, “To heck with you! This is what I want out of this relationship!”
By no means am I saying this man was right in how he handled his issue. (The Lord knows we do many things poorly.) However, being there for him is not getting angry with him when he is unable to share his heart. Nobody wants to feel threatened if they don’t speak. (Remember, many men see relationships and marriage as jail – a loss of freedom!) This is just a brief example, but I hope the point is clear. Trust or respect cannot be build within that climate.
Expectations are fine to have, but I believe these embattled women can help their cause through showing how you can help to make his life better. If relationships and marriage are seen as a partnership, then you are his advocate and adviser. Remember respect and trust is what men value. Men like women who are attractive but love a woman who they can trust.
Always endeavor to keep your desire and his in balance, and you will find that the two of you are moving towards a win-win, loving relationship. As Stephen Covey, author and renowned life coach, puts it, “seek first to understand then to be understood.”
~ Denley W. McIntosh